Chicago Daily News – Breaking: Prehistoric Canal Lizard Monster attacks Chicago Suburb of Joliet, Illinois

It was a beautiful, crisp, spring morning in the Chicago suburb of Joliet. The budding leaves on the trees danced gracefully in a gentle, rhythmic motion. The air was cool and refreshing, and the sky was a deep blue, speckled with fluffy, white clouds. Birds sang their melodious songs, and children laughed as they played in scenic Pilcher Park. It was the perfect day for a stroll along the picturesque canal path, enjoying the natural beauty that surrounded them.

Little did they know, lurking just beneath the surface of the calm yet toxic water, was an ancient creature, long thought to be extinct. The Prehistoric Canal Lizard Monster, also known as the Minookasaurus, had somehow survived in the depths of the canal system, undetected for centuries. Now, it was ready to emerge from the darkness and reclaim its rightful place atop the food chain. As the sun began to rise higher in the sky, the monster slowly made its way towards the retaining wall, its massive, serpentine body slithering through the murky water.

The people of Joliet were oblivious to the danger that approached, continuing with their daily routines. Children played tag along the water’s edge, their laughter filling the air. A jogger wearing headphones pounded the pavement, lost in his own world. A woman walked her dog, chatting away on her cell phone. No one noticed the massive shadow that fell over them, or the ripples that disturbed the water as the monster drew near.

The Minookasaurus finally breached the surface of the water, its long, serpentine neck stretching higher. Its massive, scaly head slowly emerged from the canal, revealing two dark, beady eyes that surveyed the scene before it. The people of Joliet gasped in unison as they beheld the prehistoric creature towering over them. Its enormous size was impossible to comprehend; it dwarfed even the largest of cars parked along the curb. The Minookasaurus let out a deafening roar, its powerful voice echoing down Bluff Street, reverberating off the dolomitic limestone cliffs.

Fear and panic gripped the community as they scattered in all directions, tripping over one another in their haste to escape. The jogger dropped his headphones and sprinted away, his lungs burning with the effort. The woman with the dog released her pet’s leash, allowing it to run free as she clutched her chest in terror. Children screamed and hid behind trees and cars, their small bodies trembling with fear.

Longtime Joliet resident, Frannie Hillman, stated:

“Like, it totally squashed Jefferson Mall. Not cool. NOT cool.”

The Minookasaurus surveyed the chaos it had caused with a sense of satisfaction. It stretched its long neck even higher, surveying the City of Champions before it. Its massive body thrashed in the water, sending waves crashing over the walls. Its powerful tail slapped the surface of the canal, creating giant splashes that soaked the terrified bystanders.

A group of brave (or foolish) residents attempted to barricade the entrances to the canal with cars and trash cans, hoping to contain the beast. The Minookasaurus regarded them with a baleful eye, but seemed more interested in exploring the City of Steel. It slithered through the streets, its massive bulk forcing cars to swerve out of its path or risk being crushed beneath its weight.

The local authorities were quick to respond, calling in the Illinois National Guard over dere by dah stadium, dontcha know, and mobilizing the city’s emergency services. Helicopters buzzed overhead, their rotor wash sending waves of air through the air as they tried to keep the monster in sight. Snipers perched on rooftops, their rifles trained on the Minookasaurus’ vulnerable bits, and yes, they targeted his tinkler (be honest – wouldn’t you?).

Despite these efforts, the Minookasaurus seemed impervious to their attacks. Bullets ricocheted harmlessly off its thick, scaly hide, and the snipers’ shots went wide. The beast continued to wreak havoc on the City of Stone, flipping cars and toppling buildings, starting with the abandoned Zayre’s, as it made its way through the streets.

A team of JJC scientists and specialists was quickly assembled to study the creature and determine its weaknesses. They discovered that the Minookasaurus was sensitive to high-frequency sounds, and began experimenting with a sonic weapon they hoped would be able to subdue it. After several failed attempts, they finally managed to create a sound-wave powerful enough to stun the monster momentarily. Here is an audio recording of that weapon, created by an obscure but persistent AF area songwriter dude:

Seizing their chance, the military and emergency services coordinated an attack. Helicopters dropped teams of soldiers armed with tranquilizer darts and nets onto the beast’s back, while others attempted to immobilize its tail. The Minookasaurus thrashed wildly, its powerful tail lashing out and sending soldiers flying through the air. But slowly, the team began to make progress.

Darts embedded themselves in the creature’s scaly hide, and the sonic (and melodic) weapon was deployed again, sending waves of totally dance-able and underrated sound crashing through its massive body. The Minookasaurus let out a piercing shriek and collapsed to the ground, its great weight crushing cars and buildings beneath it.

The City of Dicks (Andy, etc.) was left in shambles, but the citizens breathed a sigh of relief as they surveyed the unconscious form of the beast. Emergency services raced to evacuate the injured and tend to the damage, while the military secured the area around the giant reptile. The Wolfda Wolfda Wolfda scientists and specialists moved in to study the creature, hoping to learn more about its biology and how it had managed to survive for so long. And the citizenry held hands and sang their municipal anthem in angelic harmony:

The End?

#Minookasaurus #Joliet #Illinois #WaterCanalCreature #IllinoisLegends #CityAttacked #LizardInvasion #Horror #Terror #Monster #UrbanMythology #CanalBeast #AprilFools